also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
