Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
