cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
