When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
