I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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