I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
