Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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