Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
