the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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