I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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