My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
