I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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