gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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