dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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