They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
