I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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