Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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