he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I forgot how hot balto sounded
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
