chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
