Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
