the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
splinters make it hard to masturbate
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
