dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he was CRYING into my vagina
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
