you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
