I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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