I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
