my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
