alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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