If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
