I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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