I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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