drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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