alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
