is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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