Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
