i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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