i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
