Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
