i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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