I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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