It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
