he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
