I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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