nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
