So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
