when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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