I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
