i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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