Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
