you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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