Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You may now shotgun with the bride
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
