He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
