having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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