then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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